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I just got back from a jog. I’m amazed to write that statement. It seems it could have been ten years since my last. However I recently discovered that I have somewhat raised cholesterol, and the recommendation was to do sweaty exercise regularly.

It’s the initial instance in my existence that my motivation to exercise has been my health status. In my youth, I ran because I aimed to be thinner. I’ve also run to manage nervousness – I was merely escaping from the worry, instead of dealing with it. On other occasions, I jogged because I aimed to improve in running. That represented what it meant to me at that time to create a superior lifestyle.

Jogging with altered intent now got me thinking about the approaches I’ve interacted with my body throughout my life and the way it’s evolving as I transition from early adulthood to midlife. It seems unlikely I’ve valued my own body, not truly. I’ve valued it just for its capabilities and the purposes it served me: seeking approval; dodging sentiments; completing a speedier five kilometers. Until today, I failed to grasp that I am my body, it is my existence, as opposed to an instrument for achievements.

A lot has been discussed through history about the division involving physical and mental aspects – which it’s comforting to know, I won’t summarize in this piece. What resonated most compelling is Freud’s understanding that consciousness and physique are developmentally integrated from the beginning, because bodily growth requires emotional evolution and conversely. The newborn’s corporeal feelings – like the physical sensation of hunger – motivate the mind to cultivate the ability to identify hunger as a sensation that may be satisfied by a feed; and the emotional comfort and contentment regularly delivered by repeated nourishment supports the infant’s psyche just as the nutrition nourishes them physically. Likewise psychological experiences – such as the wish to stand up and attain a goal, and the determination to persist through effort – are the cause and means physical strength increases. Since infancy, mind and body are intertwined in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

However I’ve observed, in treatment with my therapist, that my consciousness and physique can be in an alternate dynamic – a more separated and more exploitative. My consciousness can use my physical self to retain and display aspects that my consciousness considers undesirable or unacceptable. In my sessions we realized that there are particular emotional states that I fear I cannot bear; in place of experiencing them mentally, I unconsciously shift them to my physical self, where they remain as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – unrelated to what I’d eaten, but represented a type of corporeal reaction of the sharper sentiments I couldn’t digest mentally. It wasn’t a conscious choice, but after it was introduced to awareness in sessions, and my dread and vulnerability and anger and terror were experienced and articulated instead of transformed into bodily feelings, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues now.

The worst time I endured this severe heartburn, I was unable to sleep for several nights in a row. I felt I was losing my sanity. I went a general practitioner, who scheduled multiple examinations and assessments, but no issues were found corporally problematic. The situation was another doctor who suggested that the root may be emotional. My therapist agreed. I was stunned, but I also knew it to be true.

If an individual experiences a corporeal problem, they can be offended if told that there might be a mental root. They might feel as invalidation, the idea that their condition isn’t real. Naturally that does happen – people can have their suffering ignored or wrongly assessed. However, sometimes it might be that the bodily signs exist – without doubt – and the cause is psychological, the inner mind utilizing the body to express emotional hurt or anger or any feeling the mind is unable to bear. Sometimes, we may believe our feelings matters solely if manifested in physical form. We continually disrespect our minds personally, collectively and as a culture; for what reason would we tolerate the appalling killing-off of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS?

Personal insights have revealed that a better life cannot be built when we are stuck without realization in patterns of interaction, inside us and with others, that are rooted in disregard, exploitation and exchange. Such patterns are often easier to identify “in the world” in the general public. It’s likely more challenging to think about their origins, and to see these shapes personally and within our closest relationships, in the workings of our mental lives.

However it’s worth persevering. Upon wearing my running shoes once more after such a long decade, venturing out not for a better body, or to get rid of a feeling, or to surpass a running record, {it